15.9.18 - 16.9.18
I have decided to combine both of these days into one entry because here is the point in time when I went through the worst part of culture shock. This is normal, and it happens to everyone, but that does not mean it doesn't suck any less. Culture shock is probably the worst part about studying aboard but, like all things, it passes with time.
Things had been okay for the last few days. I was starting to miss home, but I was beginning to get frustrated. A lot was going on, and a lot to take in. But I think this weekend was the tipping point. It wasn't like the breaking point was super horrible. It could have happened at home. However, the state of mind I was in and how I felt just was the right combination for me to shut down. We were in Central London, and I had an unfortunate run-in with a McDonalds at 2:30 in the morning. It is a little funny now, but as I said, I was in culture shock. Anyway, on the bus ride back to campus, I was quite. Like Aidan could not get me to talk or even look up. I am a loud person; if I am silent, there is an issue.
Then, I wanted to go home. I even texted my dad. Aidan, Bailey, and Maddy did not think it was a good idea, and I agree with them now. I have given up so much to be over here: my cats, family, friends, school. I even left my team for England which was not a decision I made lightly. I was not sure if I wanted to go home, but I was that upset to threaten to go back. I felt like absolutely nothing I was doing was right. Everything I did, my walk, words, and wardrobe or were wrong. That is not necessarily true. While it might not be the right way, it also is not the wrong way. I also felt as if I had a big old sign following me around proclaiming I was an American. I felt different an not in a good way.
These feelings I was having caused me to hide in my room most of Saturday. I did catch up on How to Get Away With Murder but other than that I didn't go a whole lot. Aidan finally got me to leave my room on Sunday, but I still wasn't feeling okay. I had calmed down, but I was still struggling.
On a bus to Kingston with Aidan, he told me to give up all of my American cultures, I won't be needing it while I am over here. I disagree with him. When my best friend from China came over to the US, Allie and I told her not to lose her culture. That was who Cassie is, and we liked her that way. I understand that I am over here in the UK and I am here by choice, but I can't just forget about 21 years of American culture. I am going to be in the US for much longer than I will be in the UK. So I am trying to find a delicate balance of British culture and American. I still can't say what is the 'right' balance because I am still deciding that for myself. But I can say this; I need to do what is best for me.